What weight can you
put down right now,
willingly relinquishing
the pointed quills of
guilt or judgment?
What burden of the heart
can lift, what dark corner
can be lit, the candle
flickering at first, then
burning bright?
With the next breath,
let it go, that old story
you’ve told yourself
a million times.
Whatever doesn’t serve
you on this path of truth,
leave it behind. Offer
this one gift: the simple
sacrifice that in the giving
sets you free to fully live.
~by Danna Faulds
Healing comes less like a falcon
with mighty wings,
and more like an earthworm
that slowly, slowly moves
beneath it all, tightening up,
then stretching out, a simple
two-part rhythm. Some days
that is all the body can do.
Contract. Expand. Contract. Expand.
In the meantime, through this
artless act, what is dense
becomes porous.
In the meantime, what is stuck
and clotted gets moved around.
What is dead passes through,
is processed by the grit inside.
There are tunnels now in the soil of me,
thin channels of recovery -
a blessed loosening,
a gradual renewal.
It’s unhurried, but
I feel it, the air, the rain,
the life coming in.
by Rosemary Wahtola Trommer
And the people stayed home.
And they read books.
And listened
And rested
And exercised
And made art
And played games
And learned new ways of being
And were still.
And listened more deeply.
Some meditated
Some prayed
Some danced.
Some met their shadows.
And the people began to think differently.
And the people healed.
And
in the absence of living in
Ignorant
Dangerous
Mindless
And heartless ways,
The Earth began to heal.
And when the danger passed
And the people joined together again
They grieved their losses
And made new choices
And dreamed new images
And created new ways
To live and heal the Earth fully.
As they had been healed.
“The Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief” is an excellent interview by Scott Berinato with grief expert, David Kessler, on grief and COVID-19. I’ll highlight the main points and you can click on the link below to read the full article.
Sudden Grief: Kessler explains that the world has suddenly changed. This is shocking and difficult to fathom for many of us. Even though we know it’s temporary, if doesn’t feel that way. We can barely realize that things are and will be different. We’re experiencing the “loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. We’re collectively grieving and we’re not used to it.
Anticipatory Grief: “Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain….there is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there…our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety…We’re grieving on a micro and a macro level.”
How do we Manage All This Grief?: Kessler discusses his understanding of stages of grief and the virus.
Denial: “This virus won’t affect us”.
Anger: “You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities.
Bargaining: “Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right?”
Sadness: “I don’t know when this will end”
Acceptance: “This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed”.
“Acceptance…is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually”, says Kessler
Are There Techniques to Make It Less Intense?: Kessler thinks that unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety. We start to fret and worry about the worse case scenarios. Therapists call it catastrophizing. A client recently joked, “how do I not fall into catastrophic thinking in the middle of a catastrophe?” The goal, according to Kessler, is to find balance in the things you’re thinking. Don’t ignore the scary thoughts/images/stories, or try to make them go away. “If you feel the worst image taking shape, make yourself think of the best image. We all get a little sick and the world continues. Not everyone I love dies….”Anticipatory Grief is the mind future-tripping and imagining the worst.
Calm yourself down by coming into the present moment.
Name 5 things in the room.
Breathe
Think about how to let go of what you can’t control.
Be compassionate with yourself and others. Be patient. Instead of getting irritated with someone, remember who they usually are and not how they seem to be in this moment.
How do we deal with the open-endedness of the pandemic? That’s really hard: Kessler reminds us that it’s temporary and it’s survivable. “This is a time to overprotect but not overreact.
The Importance of Meaning; He mentions that it’s important to find meaning in our darkest hours. I want to add that it’s not about passively finding meaning, but we need to seek it out—we need to create meaning for ourselves. Don’t wait until it’s all over— start now.
Read more of Scott Berinato’s interview with David Kessler by clicking on the link below:
https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
2016:
I had my photo taken yesterday for a new headshot.
I ended up crying when I saw the proofs.
Not for the typical reasons you might imagine.
But for what I saw and didn't see in my eyes.
I hadn't yet noticed in detail
the nuanced ways grief had etched itself into my face.
I kept going back and forth between "before and after" photos.
Then I called my sister. I told her how the photos upset me. We talked about it.
She reminded me that my old photo was taken six months before Mom died.
"In fact, Mom helped you pick out the one you've been using", she said.
"We were still innocent", she said. "We didn't really know what was ahead of us"
So true.
2018
Over two years have passed since I wrote the above. Since then I've compared many "before and after" photos.
I've looked at my own photos and those of my siblings.
We six siblings, aka Team Boyle, do a group photo a few times per year. (We've been in group photos for over 60 yrs since Mom and Dad started sending out Christmas photos.)
This year I noticed that everyone looked happier and lighter. Finally!
The stress of caring for beloved parents on hospice or in memory care has eased. We've sold their property and divided their estate.
We made it!
And the photos agree.