“The Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief” is an excellent interview by Scott Berinato with grief expert, David Kessler, on grief and COVID-19. I’ll highlight the main points and you can click on the link below to read the full article.

Sudden Grief: Kessler explains that the world has suddenly changed. This is shocking and difficult to fathom for many of us. Even though we know it’s temporary, if doesn’t feel that way. We can barely realize that things are and will be different. We’re experiencing the “loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. We’re collectively grieving and we’re not used to it.

Anticipatory Grief: “Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain….there is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there…our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety…We’re grieving on a micro and a macro level.”

How do we Manage All This Grief?: Kessler discusses his understanding of stages of grief and the virus.

Denial: “This virus won’t affect us”.
Anger: “You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities.
Bargaining: “Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right?”
Sadness: “I don’t know when this will end”
Acceptance: “This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed”.
“Acceptance…is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually”, says Kessler

Are There Techniques to Make It Less Intense?: Kessler thinks that unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety. We start to fret and worry about the worse case scenarios. Therapists call it catastrophizing. A client recently joked, “how do I not fall into catastrophic thinking in the middle of a catastrophe?” The goal, according to Kessler, is to find balance in the things you’re thinking. Don’t ignore the scary thoughts/images/stories, or try to make them go away. “If you feel the worst image taking shape, make yourself think of the best image. We all get a little sick and the world continues. Not everyone I love dies….”Anticipatory Grief is the mind future-tripping and imagining the worst.

Calm yourself down by coming into the present moment.

Name 5 things in the room.

Breathe

Think about how to let go of what you can’t control.

Be compassionate with yourself and others. Be patient. Instead of getting irritated with someone, remember who they usually are and not how they seem to be in this moment.

How do we deal with the open-endedness of the pandemic? That’s really hard: Kessler reminds us that it’s temporary and it’s survivable. “This is a time to overprotect but not overreact.

The Importance of Meaning; He mentions that it’s important to find meaning in our darkest hours. I want to add that it’s not about passively finding meaning, but we need to seek it out—we need to create meaning for ourselves. Don’t wait until it’s all over— start now.

Read more of Scott Berinato’s interview with David Kessler by clicking on the link below:

https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief