The Rights of the Dying

The Rights of the Dying

“The right to be treated as a living human being.

The right to maintain a sense of hopefulness, however changing its focus may be.

The right to express feelings and emotions about death in ones own way.

The right to participate in all decisions concerning one’s care.

The right to be cared for by compassionate, sensitive, knowledgeable people who will attempt to understand one’s needs.

The right to expect continuing medical care, even though the goals may change from “cure” to “comfort” goals.

The right to have all questions answered honestly and fully.

The right to seek spirituality.

The right to be free of physical pain.

The right to express feelings and emotions about pain in one’s own way.

The right of children to participate in death.

The right to understand the process of death.

The right to die.

The right to die in peace and dignity.

The right not to die alone.

The right to expect that the sanctity of the body will be respected after death.”

The Needs of the Dying, by David Kessler.

Winter Blues? It's a Thing

It sure is "a thing" around here. Sometimes it's just a bummed out, blah kind of feeling. But for other people it's a form of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that usually begins in the fall and continues through the winter months.

SAD is common where I live due to the shorter days and a whole lot of grey, overcast or rainy days. Dark, cold, and rain for days on end seem to be the perfect recipe for SAD.

If someone is already dealing with depression, anxiety or grief, then this seasonal loss of light can be particularly challenging.

The American Psychiatric Association reports that roughly 5% of the U.S. population struggle with it. A current theory is that SAD is linked to changes in the brain caused by less light which disrupts a person's circadian rhythm.

Many of my clients talk about having SAD and want tools to cope with it. I've put together the following list of suggestions based on three decades of listening and helping people cope with these winter blues.

It helps to have a plan and to use it.

Here are some things for you to try:

1. Get enough sleep.
2. Have your Vitamin D levels checked and supplement if needed.
3. Keep your body moving. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Dance in your living room.
4. Get a light therapy box with 10,000 lux. Sit in front of it for 20-30 min every morning.
5. If the sun comes out, change your plans and get outside in it.
6. Spend time in nature even if it's rainy and cold.
7. If you can't find sun, go find snow in the mountains. It'll lighten things up for you.
8. Taking a winter vacation? Go where there's sun.
9. Meditate.
10. Be intentional about spending time with your friends. Love is a different kind of light.
11. Get a sunrise alarm clock.
12. Watch for cravings for carbs, sugar, alcohol. Your body is looking for dopamine.
13. Get bodywork like massage or craniosacral.
14. Acupuncture.
15. Yoga. Qigong. T'ai chi.
16. Energy work.
17. Get a pet. Walk your dog.
18. Watch utube videos of giggling babies or people laughing.
19. Make a playlist of songs that lift your mood. Listen to it.
20. Do something that makes you happy.
21. Make something. Make art. Make chicken soup. Just make something

This is my working list. Got any of your own to add? Please share.

Ho'oponopono Helps with Grief

Ho what?

Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian healing technique. All you have to do is say these four short statements:

• I'm sorry.

• Please forgive me. (I forgive you)*

• I love you.

• Thank you.

You repeat them over and over again.

It's a powerful practice that can be used to heal all our relationships including those who have died.

Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?

I used this recently for my relationships with my parents. Only I didn't read the directions carefully. Instead of saying, "please forgive me", I ended up including the statement, "I forgive you". While this wasn't necessarily an authentic use of Ho'oponopono, it was was what I needed to say.*

On the morning of the third year anniversary of Mom's death, I wanted to honor her in a special way. I held her parents' mala beads in my hand as I repeated statements of love and gratitude over and over again. I felt my heart expand with love, joy and lightness.

A few days later, I was thinking about Dad. He died 10 months ago. I hadn't had a sense of him and wanted to clear out any blocks on my end. I chose to use rosary beads to say these statements to Dad. (He was a big fan of the Catholic rosary) As I worked my way around the beads, I said my variation of all four statements. One bead per statement. I paused when memories or emotions would surface. Again, I felt my heart expand and was able to release some old resentments.

Why don't you give it a try?

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me" This helps with any regrets you might have after they die. Use this if you are bothered by thoughts like, "I should have________________" or "If only I'd ____________________________.

"I love you. Thank you." Do you wish you'd told them more often? You still can. Have you thought of things you're grateful for that you didn't think to say before they died? You can tell them now.

I liked using different prayer beads. If you don't have prayer beads, you can use your fingers. If you don't want to do that, just say the statements or your variations of them.

If you need help with your grief, send me an email.

Aloha

Valentine's Day: Grief, Healing and Loving Bonds

My brother had buttons made for us
to wear at Dad's funeral last summer.
They said, "And me, you".
It's family code for "I love you".

My Mom taught Dad to say that to us kids
after we would give him a big hug and tell him we loved him.
He never knew what to say or how to respond.
“Johnny, just say ‘And me, you'," she told him.
He did. It became his way of expressing love.

It was one of the last things he said on his deathbed.

Now It’s Valentine’s Day, six months after his death.
He isn't here to say it in the same way.
But, I'll be wearing this button in honor of the loving bond between us.

You, too, might be missing someone who died that you deeply love:
spouse, parent, child, neighbor, sibling, co-worker, friend.
It can help your grief if you have a sense of the ongoingness
of your connection.

That can mean different things for different people.
It depends on your beliefs about what happens after death,
the Afterlife and whether consciousness survives the death of the body.
It depends on your culture and familial beliefs.

You might believe that you can continue to communicate with them in spirit.
You might believe they communicate with you through signs and messages.
You might believe you'll be reunited after your death.
You might believe they'll be reincarnated and maybe you'll meet again.
You might believe they're dead and gone and that's the end of it.
Or you might be a mish-mash of beliefs that are evolving over time.

How you experience your connection will be shaped by your belief system,
your experiences and the meaning you make of them.

I like how George Bonanno put it in his book,
The Other Side of Silence:
"Whatever my father was -- a spirit, a memory, a cluster of neurons activated in my brain, a vague opening in the cosmos--it just didn't matter.
All that I cared about at that moment was that I felt deeply
and immutably bonded with him"

Yup.

Regardless of your current belief system,
here's my Valentine message to you:
Your love didn't die, nor need the bond between you.

Whether you find yourself talking to them
or talking about them with others...
Whether you think about them or
do certain things the way they did them...
Whether you honor them by cooking their favorite meal
or by cooking up a simple ritual...
There are all kinds of ways you can express your love
and nurture your bond.

So how about you?

When do you notice your connection with your beloved(s)?

What stories, songs, traditions remind you of them?

What do you do to create reminders of your connection?

Want a suggestion for a simple ritual of connection on Valentine's Day?

Light a special candle for them.
Pull our your journal. Take a few deep breaths. Say hello.
Write something you miss about them.
Write something you're doing to continue their legacy.
Write about what they might tell you about how to feel closer
to them in the future.
Write about what they might notice about how you've shown
courage, strength, love, hope, capability.
Say good-bye. Blow out your candle.

Me?
I'm going to wear this pin.
I'm going to eat my Mom's favorite kind of chocolate,
tell the people in my life I love them and
devote myself to loving more.

Words of Blessing for Your Dying Loved One

A BLESSING FOR THE THRESHOLDS

It can be hard to know what to say or how to pray
if you are deep in grief
as your loved one prepares to leave this life.

The prayers you learned in childhood may no longer make sense to you.

You’re not sure what you believe about death or life after death.

You might be full of anger or sorrow,
unable to speak about the unspeakable,
or numb.

It can help to borrow someone else’s words that
touch into what is wordless in your heart.

I am sharing excerpts from John O’Donohue’s book,
"To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings".
He wrote about the “crucial thresholds in our lives,
when we have no rituals to protect,
encourage and guide us as we cross over into the unknown.”.
He said we need to find new words.

Loving someone who is dying is such a threshold.

You can use his words if you like.
Or perhaps his words will evoke your own.

Entering Death

“I pray that you will have the blessing
Of being consoled and sure about your death.

May you know in your soul
There is no need to be afraid.
When your time comes, may you have
Every blessing and strength you need.

May there be a beautiful welcome for you
In the home you are going to.

You are not going somewhere strange,
Merely back to the home you have never left.

May you live with compassion
And transfigure everything
Negative within and about you.

May your going be sheltered
And your welcome assured. “

For the Dying

“May death come gently toward you,
Leaving you time to make your way
Through the cold embrace of fear
To the place of inner tranquility.
May death arrive only after a long life
To find you at home among your own
With every comfort and care you require.

May death come gently toward you,
Leaving you time to make your way
Through the cold embrace of fear
To the place of inner tranquility.
May death arrive only after a long life
To find you at home among your own
With every comfort and care you require.

May your leave-taking be gracious,
Enabling you to hold dignity
Through awkwardness and illness.

May you see the reflection
Of your life’s kindness and beauty
In all the tears that fall for you.

As your eyes focus on each face,
May your soul take its imprint,
Drawing upon each image within
As companions for the journey.

May someone who knows and loves
The complex village of your heart
Be there to echo you back to yourself
And create a sure word-raft
To carry you to the further shore.

May your spirit feel
The surge of true delight
When the veil of the visible
Is raised, and you glimpse again
The living faces
Of departed family and friends.

May there be some beautiful surprise
Waiting for you inside death,
Something you never knew or felt,
Which with one simple touch,

Absolves you of all loneliness and loss,
As you quicken within the embrace
For which your soul was eternally made.
May your heart be speechless
At the sight of the truth
Of all belief had hoped,
Your heart breathless
In the light and lightness
Where each and everything
Is at last its true self

Within that serene belonging
That dwells beside us
On the other side
Of what we see.”

~John O'Donohue, "To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings", 2008.

I offer these excerpts to you with hope that they might help you find
“some pathways of presence”
through the thresholds you and your Dear One are crossing.